05 September, 2013


For a while now, I've really been struggling. With life, with stuff, with things, but mostly with God. I don't talk about my faith on here all that often, but it's a huge part of who I am and I really feel like I can't ignore this topic any longer.

I wish I could say that I can't pinpoint a day or time when this struggle began, but I can. I know exactly when, where, and why I feel the way I do. I've been struggling with my faith - my relationship with God - since I miscarried in February. While I do feel like I have been healed from that trauma (well, as much as you can be...nothing will make me forget), I also know that I haven't had any kind of real peace in my life since then. 

I've started and then stopped devotionals and Bible studies. I've prayed and not really felt a connection. I've fought with my husband. I've slacked on housekeeping and other things, when in reality there is a lot I could be doing with my time. My temper is short. My emotions are raw. I'm lonely. I feel everything....and nothing.

I didn't figure out the reason behind all my issues until a few weeks ago. I started searching for MOPS groups or PWOC or women's small groups at church. Initially I did it because I wanted friends.... But then it dawned on me that what I actually needed was a whole lot more Jesus in my life. 

After I read about Diana's little boy, I finally picked up a devotional book my MIL sent for my birthday. And wow, the brief message was dead-on. 

Ever since that day, I've felt like God is trying to tell me something. To be still. To let go. To let peace - His peace - take over. There is so much running through my mind these days. Too much. Housework. Whatever Charlotte is doing. Deployment on the horizon. Our second baby's due date this month. Fears/worries about this pregnancy. Family drama. (Deployment and due date are the biggest factors right now.)

Letting go is hard. It should really be easy, considering I know His plans are for the best, but it's not. Letting go means I can't fix it. Letting go means I don't have the answers. Letting go means trusting Him to take care of it for me and in His own time. My instant-gratification self has a very hard time with that one. 

"We must trust that He will reveal His mysteries when they have served His purpose for our growth and His glory. We must remember that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28, NIV)"

Thankfully, I have tools at my fingertips to help me - the book my MIL sent (it's called Jesus Calling, in case you're interested), She Reads Truth devotions, and my PWOC study and group. I know this is a challenge - a chance for growth and to bring glory to Him. I get that now. But it doesn't make it any easier. And neither will facing a deployment with two under two. I have no other choice but to have faith and repeat these verses to myself....for as long as it takes for them to sink in.

For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints. ~ 1 Corinthians 14:33

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. ~ John 14:27

I have told you these things, so that in my you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. ~ John 16:33

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. ~ Psalm 32:7

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will stregnthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~ Isaiah 41:10

...Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. ~ Joshua 1:9

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