08 October, 2013

On Repeat

Do you ever feel like you keep hearing the same thing over and over again? The same phrase, word, song or verse? That's where I'm at right now. 

I shared two posts last week about fears and worrying. In between those posts and this one, some other things came up in my studies - things I thought I'd post about today or at some point this week. Clearly God is trying to beat me over the head with teach me something here, so I feel like I should share it, too.

Today I cracked open my Jesus Calling book, as I've been doing for a while. It's a really good devotional, and I highly recommend it. Anyway, within the first few lines, this is what I read:

"Accept each day as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. 
...Thank Me in all circumstances."

So, hmmm. Okay. Further down:

"Trust me and don't be fearful; thank me and rest in my sovereignty."

And there it is: "don't be fearful." Are we sensing a theme yet? I sure am! I suppose I'm beginning to understand why He keeps sending me this very same message over and over and over again. First, it obviously hasn't sunk in yet. Second, I'm more fearful about things than I realize most of the time.

Even entering my third trimester hasn't stopped the fear of losing another baby, this baby - my little Millie. Random thoughts will pop into my head that never did when I was pregnant with Charlotte. That kind of naiveté was taken from me when I miscarried in February. I don't spend every waking moment worrying about Millie - I don't. Thankfully, she is pretty active. But when I realize I haven't felt her move in a few hours, I tend to panic a bit. Or I read a blog post somewhere about someone losing a baby. And then I spend a while - minutes? hours? - either reliving my miscarriage or preparing (in some strange way) to lose another baby. I don't know why on earth I do this to myself, but I do. Or is it even me? Is it just the thief and I'm listening to his evil little whispers, letting him steal my joy? Either. Both. Who knows?

Then, of course, there's the fear of the deployment. Even though we've been through one before, there's still a lot of unknown territory for this next one. He's going somewhere different, with different people, in a different situation, with a different mission. We are also different. We have babies now. One of whom will realize his absence and potentially feel it immensely. Sure, she won't remember - neither of them will - but she will still experience it. It will still shape her in ways that can't be known by either of us. Even if his absence isn't as long as "they" say it will be, any extended absence will be difficult for her. In turn, it will be difficult for me as well. 

So what am I to do?

Trust God. Rest in His sovereignty. 

So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, 
and at the right time he will lift you up in honor.  ~1 Peter 5:6

Be thankful, because there is always something to be thankful for.

Be thankful in all circumstances, 
for this is God's will for you 
who belong to Christ Jesus. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:18

*Oddly enough, I just put this verse in a frame on the bar in the kitchen/dining area. See what I mean about common themes here?!

Give my worries and fears to Him. Pray.

Give all your worries to him, for he cares about you. ~ 1 Peter 5:7

I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me. 
He freed me from all my fears. ~ Psalm 34:4

I know you're thinking the same thing I am - easier said than done. I know. Really, it's not in our nature to let go of our fears, to trust God, to be thankful when we're scared, mad or upset. It's not. But being obedient to God and choosing to trust, to let go, and to be thankful will be rewarded. Maybe not in ways we imagine, or when we think, but our efforts will be honored (see 1Peter 5:6). And seriously, look at that last verse! "He freed me from all my fears." Freedom. From ALL my fears. I want that! Isn't that worth tough choices, and tough days? 

Maybe one day soon I'll learn this lesson God's been trying to teach me. Until then, I'm sure he'll have it on repeat...just for me.

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