Even before we moved to Georgia we knew that Joe's unit was set for a deployment. It's been pushed back a few times, and it's even been rumored that it wouldn't happen. As the days draw nearer, though, it's becoming more and more of a reality.
A few weeks ago, Joe came home and told me that the initial list of personnel deploying came out. Of course his name was on it. It wasn't much of a surprise - especially considering his job - but it cut me to the core anyway. Almost instantly I started grieving his presence here, thinking of all the moments he'd miss with the girls. If it were just me, I think I could handle it. The thought of dealing with a deployment as a parent - of not just one, but two tiny girls - is crippling. The diapers, the middle of the night feedings, asking for Daddy, firsts without him here... All of it just seems so overwhelming.
In the days that followed that information, I started doing a Bible study, going to PWOC, and really trying to talk to God. Because one of two things will happen regarding this deployment - 1) Joe will deploy and only God will get me through it, or 2) only God will be able to keep him from deploying. Either way, He's the one I need to be talking to.
And as only God can do, every time I crack open a devotion book, or the Bible app on my phone, an extremely appropriate verse comes up. Maybe it shouldn't surprise me by now, but it does. I wish you guys could see all of the verses I've highlighted, bookmarked on my app, or written down. It would really take too long (aka: too much effort) to show you, but I am going to share a few things with you.
One of the first verses that came up during my devotion time was this one:
For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints. ~ 1 Corinthians 14:33
Remember that post I wrote about finding peace? Yeah, this verse (and others) were a big part of that. Whatever happens - whether Joe stays or goes - God doesn't want me to be in a state of confusion or panic. He wants me to rely on Him and have peace. I don't know about you, but I find it so hard to find peace in times like these. Whether you're waiting for deployment or PCS orders, it's difficult to be at peace while you're waiting. (Impatient much?!)
I've been reading from a devotion book called Jesus Calling quite a bit lately. My MIL gave it to me for my birthday and it's really been great. I'm not a huge fan of people picking out books and/or devotions for me (though I certainly don't turn them away), but I have to say this one has been absolutely perfect. Not to mention timely. Anyway, here's a quote from August 26...it reached right into my heart and mind.
"When you start to feel stressed, detach yourself from the disturbances around you. Instead of desperately striving to maintain order and control in your little world, relax and remember that circumstances cannot touch My Peace. ...The Peace I give is sufficient for you."
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. ~ John 14:27a
Can I just say, "WOW!" I mean, how completely true is that? As soon as life gets me frazzled, I start trying to control this or that, just to feel like my whole world isn't going to come apart. Because that's what it's like when they leave, isn't it? Murphy steps in, causes all sorts of trouble, and then we somehow forget that we actually can't control it all.
Honestly, I don't have any kind of answer as to finding this peace, like, ASAP. What I do know is that I need that peace, and that it takes a daily...submission and surrendering of my thoughts and actions in order to feel a semblance of peace about my not-so certain future.