06 May, 2011

Just Plain Tired

Tired of being alone. Tired of dealing with everything. Tired of trying to decide who my real friends are. Tired of wondering who cares and who doesn't. Tired of caring. I'm just freakin' tired.

I know I'm just having one of those moments, but no one is here to listen to me. 95% of the US is in a wonderful coma and my husband is on the other side of the world working for freedom. Since no one can listen, I write.

I hate this. I hate feeling and thinking "I've got this; I'm superwoman," and realizing later that I'm really not. I hate it when I stop and have a moment to actually realize that I'm freakin' miserable without my husband here. He's my best friend. The only one I know without a doubt that I can trust with anything I say.  I don't ever worry what he thinks if I say something stupid or walk into a wall. I know those things don't matter to him. Everyone else, though? I just don't know.

I hate coming home to an empty house. After the brigade meeting last night, I actually expected him to be sitting on the couch when I got home. Really. I did. That doesn't happen too often. I hate sleeping in an empty bed {although I might change my mind about that when he comes home}. 

Most of all, I hate not having someone to talk to all hours of the day. Talking to Jasper just isn't quite as fun, even though he is a phenomenal listener. 

This might be Debbie Downer talking, but sometimes I really wonder... If I'm such a great, fun person to be around...why am I always at home? I know the door of friendship opens both ways, but I'm not exactly what you'd call an extrovert. I'm socially awkward. Translation: if you wanna hang out with me, you're probably going to have to ask me to do something. I don't invite myself to people's houses. If I do think "Hey, I wanna hang out with ___ today," I usually talk myself out of making the call/text thinking they've already got something planned/are too busy. That's just me. And maybe that's why I've been sitting by myself at home for God knows how long. Maybe I only have myself to blame. It sucks and I just. can't. help it. 

K from the museum told me about a month ago that being married spoiled me...because I always had/have someone to do things with. Yeah, probably so. But when your husband is your best friend, why would you really need to spend a lot of time with other people? No awkward moments, no wondering what the other person thinks...you just go and do and live. And that all works fine...in the civilian world. 

I feel like I'm rambling. I probably am. Like I said, I'm tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm sure it really doesn't help that I haven't heard my husband's voice in over a week now. I know it's almost over, but right now it doesn't feel like I can make it another minute. I can't wait for this to be over.

If you've made it this far without clicking over to the next blog on your reader list, thanks. =)

Much less depressing post tomorrow, I promise. I just needed to write it all out.

15 comments:

Jes said...

We all have moments like these during deployments. Hell, who am I kidding, I have these moments during TDY's! I hope it passes quickly...and don't forget I'm awake at (most of) the same non America hours as you are! I'm just a skype call away =)

HUGS!

Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

If we lived close, I'd invite myself over so much you'd get sick of me. Seriously.

Happy MSA Day to you darling!!

Kristen said...

That feeling is such a natural part of the end of a deployment. I know I've gone through it at times during our 3 turns.Sometimes, it gets old having to constantly push your own boundaries. It gets draining, and that's ok. It's ok to have days that the best you can do is hold on until tomorrow. :)

A Sailor's Wife said...

I feel the same way when my hubs is deployed. He is my best friend and we do everything together! I am lost when he's gone and I turn into a semi-recluse. Sure, I'll go out once or twice with some friends but feel miserable and watch the door the entire time I'm there, (like somehow hubs will miraculously walk through the door) :(

I'll be more reclusive since we're no longer stationed near home, ugh. Sorry for rambling, I know what you mean... *hug*

Kristi said...

I hear you! I'm not dealing with deployment but we all have rough days.

Amanda said...

Thank You for Serving Too- It's Military Spouse Appreciation day & you are Appreciated for all your sacrifice as well. I hope your day get's better & you have a wonderful weekend ahead. you are almost done!!! So hang in there!

TheStrengthBehindtheStrong.com said...

Hang in there! Deployments stink, and you're allowed to get fed up with them! I hope you hear your husband's voice soon...

Dr. Army Wife said...

Keep your chin up! You can get through this. :)

Allison said...

I have no idea what a deployment's like, but I hated when my husband was at basic and not being able to talk for a week. I'm thinking of you.

chambanachik said...

I had that moment last night. My husband isn't on a deployment, just called to duty with the National Guard, but the frustration and tiredness still happens. I know that it just downright sucks sometimes, but you'll find the strength and it will get better. Lots of hugs.

Miss.C said...

It is totally normal to feel like this. I also don't go out often, I work and then go home to my fish (which is way crazier to talk to then your pup) and watch movies, bake or just sit around doing absolutely nothing. I know it seems pointless to go out with others, but we all need some companionship of the human kind. If I were you I'd try to go out once or twice a week.. just force yourself to be around others, you might feel better. And trust me if anyone cares about you being socially awkward then they aren't wroth being around. People will love you for you, want to be around you if you're honest with them about you.
You're beautiful, funny and constantly have me laughing on twitter. Keep your head up!
-Miss.C

Katie said...

So sorry that you're having one of those days. I have no idea what you're going through, but you're in my prayers!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I'm sorry to hear you're having a bad day where everything is just catching up to you. Maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Mrs. G said...

WOW...you wrote exactly what I've been wanting to write and just didn't want to put it all out there. I feel exactly the same way and it's killing me! I'm sorry you are feeling this way but it does help me to know that there are other military spouses feeling the same things. Thank you! And keep writing...I love reading.

Skinnie Piggie said...

I'll hang out with you! I know it's like a 30-40min drive but whatever... most of the time I'm looking at crappy houses, other than that I'm stuck in a hotel room. LAME.