30 March, 2011


Do you realize how often you talk to yourself in your head? I don't think I really notice that I'm doing it half the time. Then, of course, there's the other percentage of time that I actually think out loud. I try to keep that just at home but lately it's been sneaking out in public too. =P

I don't know about you, but I over-analyze ev-er-y-thing. Everything. Past conversations, events, things I wore, stupid mistakes and everything in between are criticized minutes, hours, days and weeks later. Only lately have a realized that this is not a good habit to have. And I don't know how to stop it. 

Sadly, it almost drives me crazy. Yes. I drive myself crazy with all these over-analyzing thoughts. Did I do this right? Did I say this right? Should I have done this? Why didn't I do that? How could I do this? It goes on all the time. Oh, sure, I get breaks while reading, watching TV, volunteering and sleeping. Other than that the analytical thoughts happen a lot. Since it's getting to me, I think I'm beginning to realize that this habit is doing a whole lot more harm than good. We've all said it once or twice before...

I'm my own worst enemy.

If that isn't the truth, I don't know what is. I don't think anyone is as hard on me as I am. When I really think hard about it, I am downright mean to myself. Always thinking that I said something stupid or did something stupid, wore something that made me look fat...  These thoughts make me extremely self-conscious, to the point where I sometimes don't say anything in groups because I'm afraid it will sound stupid. Or I change clothes 3 times before I leave the house because I think it makes me look fat/ridiculous. Deep down I know these things aren't 100% true, but why can't I convince myself of that?

I've prayed and prayed about it. I've tried to become more aware of when I'm doing it so that I can stop, but that only seems to make it worse. Because then I'm fully aware of everything I do and say... I think it's been getting worse lately. Honestly, I think it gets worse when Joe is deployed/not around. That doesn't even make a whole lot of sense to me, but it's true. I don't know why his presence would effect that... Maybe he reassures me better than I reassure myself? I don't know.

What I do know is that I have got to find a way to stop this. I think I've always been this way and...to be honest, I think this behavior was helped out by the attitudes of my family. I don't really want to get into it, but my family is very...critical. I suppose it only makes sense that I would be even harder on myself because of that. Anyway. 

Last year, my MIL mentioned a Bible study she was doing. I don't know how we got on the subject, but I told her that I thought it was interesting and she said she'd try to get a book for me. That was about a year ago. As I've been thinking about my thought processes, the book she gave me came to mind.

It's been hanging out in a drawer in my bedroom since we moved in last year. I think it's about time that I started this Bible study. I read the intro and part of Day 1 this morning, and the idea behind it is to figure out what lies you're telling yourself and replace them with God's truth. The truth about who He is and who I am in Him. One of the verses that keeps coming to mind when I have those negative thoughts is this:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. - Philippians 4:8

So, tonight I'm going to start this Bible study. I'm really looking forward to getting rid of this bad habit and - as the author says - cleaning out my thought closet. 

I was thinking of maybe sharing this study with y'all on the blog once a week, but I wasn't sure what you would think of that. Would you be interested in going through this study with me? Or would you rather just be updated on how it's going? {'Cause that's probably going to happen whether you want it to or not. =P} Let me know!! 

And don't forget to enter my super-awesome book giveaway!


Lisa said...

I could have written the beginning part of your post. I would be super interested, and will look into picking up a copy of this book myself.

I need to increase my self confidence, by a lot. I found myself at work, filming today, letting loose and having a lot more fun. And guess what? The finished product was way better than previous weeks.

So let's work together on this journey! I know I get the same way when P leaves, and he's leaving for school shortly. Time to start focusing on me!

Consider The Lilies said...

I think this is an awesome idea! I would love to read about this Bible study :) That's awesome you are opening up about this inward struggle you have. I think it's one we all struggle with. It's our nature to over analyze. That's why we have God there to keep us in line! Good luck girl you will be in my prayers!

Our Little Fam said...

Yes, sometimes we are our worst enemy. Good thing is you have realized how it is affecting you. Good luck getting rid of this habit, you can do it! :)

Michelle A'etonu said...

i'm sooooo like you in this regard. i'd love to hear about your experiences with this and perhaps i'll download the book into my nook!

Jen said...

I am definitely like you in that aspect, I hate being own worst enemy. Good luck and you can kick it!