30 January, 2011

The Pause Button

This can be a good thing sometimes. Like during a movie when you have to go to the bathroom. And if you're Marshall and Lily (How I Met Your Mother... Come on, people. Keep up. ;-)), it works wonders during the middle of a fight.

I feel like someone hit the "pause" button on my life when this deployment started.

I go back and forth on being okay with this. Most of the time, I've got this. Joe and I talk usually every day,  just long enough to see how each other is doing. I go about my day and he goes about his. Once a week we really get to talk. That's his day off. And how long we talk depends on if his internet wants to cooperate that day or not. I've decided that his internet is conspiring against us. On, off. On, off. On, off. Grr.

Honestly, today was a pretty good day. Right up until I decided I'd watch a couple movies on Netflix Instant. My husband's Skype messages woke me up and we chatted for...10 minutes? before we got cut off. I had breakfast, read some blogs and watched Narnia. Sometimes ABC Family is good to me. =P I had lunch, I showered (yeah, in that order) and then I got busy.

I baked goodies to send to my husband for 2 hours today. Nope, not kidding! I also made him a little something last night. I'd share all the goodies in his package, but I'm trying to surprise him. You'll see when he gets the package. Promise.

After all my baking, I sat down. Around dinner time, I was bored with Saturday TV. Let's face it: after football season, Saturday TV sucks. The End. So, I decided I'd browse Netflix for some movies. During dinner I watched The Proposal. A smart woman would have known better than to watch a romantic comedy. I watched anyway. 3/4 of the way in, I was regretting it with thoughts like "Crap. I miss my husband." I did manage to distract myself with some puppy cuddling and serious nerdiness:

By the time that movie was over, it was still early and I wasn't feeling the craftiness. Movie #2 happened by sheer accident. I was trying to look at my instant queue, but kept hitting the wrong buttons on the Xbox controller. *sigh* This happens more than I'd like. Instead, I ended up browsing the "new movies." I came across The Last Song, which was originally a Nicholas Sparks book. I'm pretty sure I've confessed my love for his books before. Not feeling like searching for anything else, I hit play.

Bad idea.

I must have forgotten that I cried through the last 1/4 of the book. Movies are shorter, so I cried through the last half of it. It's a sad story and Aunt Flo is hanging out with me right now. Combine that with deployment and missing my husband and what do you get?

A bucket of post-movie tears.

I feel like my life is on hold. I miss my husband... Those words don't really do the pain justice. He's not here for me to simply talk to. He's not here for me to vent my frustrations to. He's not here for me to pick up after. He's not here to make fun of me when I cry during movies...which makes me stop crying. He's not here to hold me when I'm upset.

At the end of the day, he's just not here. And it sucks.

The Last Song is set in North Carolina. So, not only is the movie sad it made me want to go home. Bad. I didn't grow up in North Carolina, but after living there for 1.5 years it's home. Before that, I'd always wanted to see NC, thanks to Nicholas Sparks. The books that once made me want to visit now make me want to go home.

Sure, I can experience things while he's gone. I can make new friends; I can go places. I can, I can, I can. It's just not the same. While I know this won't last forever, I feel like this deployment sure is taking its sweet time. Maybe it's just the after-R&R effect. I don't know.

Right now, in this moment... My husband is gone. I want to go home. I don't want to do this. Can I have my husband back, please? Hit the "play" button so I can get back to living happily again. My life just doesn't feel...right...without him.


Anna said...

I hate you are having a hard day. :( I don't know how you do it, or how any of the other military wives do it! It takes a special kind of woman to be able to handle that kind of stress. Just remember: God knew that YOU were strong enough! I know some days are harder and longer than normal, and that's okay - because I know you will get past it and come back in full swing. :) You can do it, sis! You are so much closer than before - it is almost over!

Oh, and you can totally come home whenever you want - we want you here too! <3

armywife_b2010 said...

I know exactly what you mean by the deployment feeling like your life is paused. My days and even my nights are getting harder to deal with.

Anonymous said...

I may not be going through a deployment, but my fiance is in boot camp and I haven't talked to him in three weeks. So I understand on a little different level what you are going through. And ironically, I was watching movies like that the other night, and I came across the Last Song, and it had me in tears the rest of the night! I seem to have a knack for finding sad romantic movies when I am sad, so they just make it worse.

I am sorry that you had a bad day :( for your sake, I pray you have more good days than bad, and that someone hits the fast forward button for you so that the rest of deployment speeds up :) If only life worked that way in some cases. You are in my prayers, hang in there, okay? :)

Jen said...

Sorry you were having a hard day! Keep your chin up, sending lots of prayers your way!

Just Another MilSpouse said...

I went through a looooong couple weeks after R&R. I couldn't get back into the swing of things, I am really only just now starting to feel normal again. It was the 2 weeks of pure happiness, then the reality of "this deployment isn't over". It's hard, so hard.

If I knew how to make you feel better I would tell you, but I tried pretty much everything and it still took me time to get back to normal. I guess all I can tell you is.... it will get better. Just think about every day that goes by, no matter how slow, is another day closer to homecoming.

Hugs to you.

Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

Oh I know how you feel and you're right, words don't even do it justice. It sucks and that's a fact. I wish there was a fast forward button.

JG said...


I'm more masochistic than you are. When SoldierMan was gone I would intentionally watch Time-Traveler's Wife over and over again so I *could* just bawl my eyes out.

I hope you get to have a good long talk soon.

Anonymous said...

You couldn't have said it better. My husband is also deployed. I hope these deployments go by quickly for both of us.

Wife on the Roller Coaster said...

Well, we've all had those days my friend. And while I should probably tell you not to go near anything connected with the name Nicholas Sparks during deployments, sometimes it's actually good to have a good cry. I have a few movies that I keep on hand whenever I need to get a good cry out of my system.

I'm glad you're feeling better!

And BTW, I JUST got into "How I Met Your Mother" reruns...what an awesome show!!!

And PS...did you get my email?