19 January, 2011

The Big Green Monster

It doesn't look like this:

And it definitely won't give you energy. Or a sugar rush.

It doesn't look like this either.
Though, I'm not sure I'd be scared of this guy.

This is what I'm talking about.
I'm pretty sure it's not this cute though.

This green monster goes by the name of Jealousy or Envy. Either name is acceptable. This monster can't be seen and sometimes it's not even heard, but it lives in the minds of many people. 

I am one of those people. I hate to admit it, but it's true. It's been true for a long time. I go through periods of jealousy. For instance:

❊ When I was single, I wanted a boyfriend.

❊ When I was dating, I wanted to be engaged/get married.

(Though my ultimate goal in both of those situations was to get married one day.)

❊ When I was in college, I wanted to graduate.

❊ When I graduated, I wanted a job.

❊ When other people got "my" job, I was jealous.

Life situations have changed, but the jealousy remains. Now, I'm jealous of simpler things like:

❊ Having my husband home.

❊ Talking to my husband on a regular basis.

❊ Having babies with my husband. (Which he obviously has to be here for.)

❊ Living in the same country as my husband.

❊ Watching TV with my husband.

Seasons come and go, but the jealousy is still there. It's not always...big and green in my mind, but I'm sure it's always there lurking. After we got married, most of the jealousy subsided. I was happy and married. It stayed that way even after Joe lost his job and we were broker than broke. Then the Army entered our lives. Though it was a decision we both made (he wouldn't have joined if I had said no), it's still really hard. What might be the hardest is watching all of my friends from back home live the life that I had planned. 

It's hard being constantly separated, as all of you milspouses know very well. I often feel like our first year of marriage was our best because we were together for the entire thing. We weren't able to say that for the second. And we'll be together for most of our third year if we're lucky. Though if things go as planned, we won't be together for the whole time. Then again, things never go as planned so maybe we will!

I don't like being this jealous person. I know that it makes me focus on the negative, in turn making me depressed. It's just hard. I know that I don't need to focus on the "don't haves" but on all of the blessings God has given me. Sometimes I just can't see the forest of blessings for all of the trees, you know? 


Sespi said...

It's like you took everything in my head and wrote it out in a blog!! I keep telling myself to focus on all the good things I have, instead of the things other people have that I want, but it really is SO hard! Maybe I'll try to force myself to think of something good I have every time I get jealous of what other people have...

Clearbluewater3 said...

i am HORRIBLY jealous all the time. Its something I really feel like I need to work on because I think if people knew how jealous i was they'd think I was an unpleasnt person. The Dating/Married one is my biggest one. One of the things I keep repeating over and over in my head when I feel jealous is "do I feel like I deserve this more than that person" and when I can honestly answer that question then its okay to be jealous but when its a immature I want it my way! reaction then I just have to know that I have to bide my time and that its not God's time for whatever. Even though gosh darnit! I want to it be! (see not so good at this!)

Lauren Lashlee said...

Thank you for your honesty. As women, we all deal with jealousy.. I swear its just a built in mechanism. We aren't perfect, but God still loves us all the same.. thankfully!! My husband is a college football coach so he is gone 90% of the time, so from time to time I throw pity parties. Especially this past fall because we had twin boys in September. So not only was he gone.. I was a first time basically single mom of two. When I start to miss him or feel sorry for myself, I think about you and the other families who have loved ones over seas and I quickly remember I really don't have it so bad. I am blown away by your strength. One thing I always try to remember is that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. When He gives me something really challenging I just think... Man, He must really trust me and believe in me!! SOOOOOOO, He must really trust and believe in you. Keep your chin up.

Alyssa said...

I have a love- hate relationship with the big green monster too. It loves to lurk and I hate it's lurking. I think it's rather normal for woman. Otherwise it's completely insane and I like to convince myself it's normal. :)
Hope your year three brings you guys together...THE WHOLE YEAR!

McDancer said...

I often struggle with the green eyed monster too. I find it even easier to succumb to jealousy with the proliferation of media thanks to the internet. Facebook is a breeding ground of jealousy sometimes haha.

Hopefully, in recognizing the jealousy, we can learn to quell it a bit. Just remember, for every thing you are jealous of, people are jealous of you too ;)

Hopefully this year will bring some of the things you've hoped for!