25 June, 2010

Up Again, Down Again

I am oh-so aware now why so many women refer to this Army wife life as a roller coaster ride. I'm totally on it. Have I mentioned that I hate roller coasters? No? Well, I do. So, I'm hating the current roller coaster that is my life and emotions.

Joe deploys way too soon. I'm freaking out. I had reason to actually hope that Joe wasn't deploying yesterday, only to find my hopes slashed as per usual.

I met a new friend today, which I'm totally excited about! There's a very good chance that she's going to be my deployment bff. =) Our husbands are in the same company, which is not only great for being friends but for vital information too. Yay!

I was reminded today that there's a bigger reason my husband is leaving me for a year. It's called freedom. Freedom that was trampled on by terrorists. My husband is leaving me to fight for yours, mine, and all Americans' freedom. For our ability to sleep safe and sound in our beds at night. Who am I to be distraught about that? My husband will come home a hero. He told God and our country "Here am I, send me!" and they're sending him. I know that God called him to serve. The man definitely has a servant's heart. How can I tell God not to send him? I can't. I can't do that and claim to believe that God is in control - that He has gone to the battlefield before my husband and prepared the way in which he should go. I would not be the woman God made me to be if I asked God to keep him here. No doubt about it, I'd love for my husband to be able to stay here, in my arms where I know without a doubt that he's safe.

It's hard. It sucks. I don't like it. But I will get up every day. I will believe that God has us in his hands. I will believe that God has bigger plans for my husband and I than I can even begin to imagine. I will trust God. I will.

I will also cry. I'll be mad. I'll be upset. I may throw things. I may yell as loud as I can just to get it out. But, I will survive.

I will watch him get on that bus. I will kiss him goodbye and say a thousand "I love you"s and even more "be safe"s. I will go home to an empty house. I will sleep in an empty bed.

I will live with my cell phone attached to my hip. My computer will be on more than it will be off. Skype will never be a program that I 'quit' on my computer.

I will send letters and packages. I will take a thousand pictures.

I will miss him like crazy.

I will never stop loving and supporting him.

I will welcome him home.

I may be a complete mess for the next 12 months. But,  I will survive.

So, now you see the "up and down" of my thoughts.

I may not be back for a few days. But, rest assured that I will be spending that time hugging, kissing, loving, and cuddling my husband.



Happy Life As An Army Wife said...

Agreed, Agreed, AGREED! Everything you said I feel the same about. Here's to surviving deployment! You got this, girl!

Dave and Ashley said...

Wellll spoken. And definitely soak up the time you have. Time may not fly by as fast as you'd like when he is gone, but trust me it will go by. And you will!! survive. I have survived (almost) one week already and it seems like I just said see ya later to him yesterday.

Expat Girl said...

You can do this and we are all here for you vent to and to support you throughout the year xoxo

The LT's Wifey said...

And you are not alone :)

Sarah said...

God's in control! Lean on Him and anything's possible!!

I think you have a beautiful blog!

Mel said...

Enjoy your last few days together. You can totally do this!

annoyed army wife said...

I've got you two in my thoughts. (((hugs)))

Crazy Shenanigans said...

That's great that you met someone new to hang out with!

Anonymous said...

You can do this!

I'm glad you found your potential Battle Buddy!

JG said...

Don't cheat yourself. You have plenty excuse to be upset. I know the clock is ticking. I don't have to tell you to make the most of it. And I'm glad you've found a buddy.

I can't say I know exactly how you feel...we aren't there yet...but I know where you're coming from. Doesn't make it easier. I know God will take care of both you and Joe. Nothing will come at him unless God allows it!

Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

I'm with JG. Don't downplay what you are feeling but you are right, you are a strong, God-trusting woman and you will come out on top!

Amber said...

Sending you lots of hugs!!!! I don't think its just the Army life that is like a roller coaster ride....the Marine Corps is too. I hate that feeling. Feeling like nothing is in your control. It's the pits. I am SUPER excited for you to have a co-parent BFF during his up coming deployment though. I had one for 1/2 of mine...(Birdie), she made the first 1/2 of the deployment fly by. She was my lifesaver, and I hers.

I hope you can enjoy your time you have before he heads over.

Oh...and I grabbed your button for my blog roll:)

Anonymous said...

Hey there lovely. I'm sending lots of love your way! I know you will make the most of the last few days with him. You CAN do this! Despite the feelings you feel now, you will make it and we are all here to support you during the good and bad! =)

And like Amber said, every branch has a roller coaster ride. We all know how it feels. <3

JessRaquel said...

I hate rollercoasters too. And you have all of us (your blog friends) to listen to you rant and be angry and sad while he is gone. I know I will be, it's only right when everyone has to listen to me rant and cry about Andy being gone!

<3333 You can handle this.