28 June, 2010

Day #1: Surviving

Joe left last night, after many, many tears from both of us. Whoever said "real men don't cry" has never left their spouse/family for a year to go to war. Just sayin'. Last night was the hardest night of my life. I took pictures, but my computer isn't cooperating with me. {Any tips from a Mac user? iPhoto isn't recognizing the pictures.} So, in an attempt to stay positive and not end my day by crying, I'm gonna leave it at that.

Today was hard, but somehow, I just got through it. I've mostly been feeling numb and empty. I haven't been eating much because my stomach just hurts. Not like bad hurt, just nervous/anxious hurt. I've also been nauseous on and off, probably from worrying so much.

Joe was able to call me twice today. =) That made things much easier, but I know that I really cannot expect that anymore. It does help to ease the initial pain, though. He did the same thing when he left for BCT. Plus, just hearing his voice makes everything so much better.

I only got about 5 hrs of sleep last night, but I suppose that's to be expected. If it keeps up, I'll drug myself to sleep. Lol! I had a friend come over and help me clean today. Her husband is in the same company as mine, so we're in the same boat. I spent most of last night at her house because I just didn't want to come home to my empty house and bed. My kitchen is now clean, thanks to her. =) Then, her friend (who I didn't know previously) invited us to the beach. I didn't really want to go at first, but I'm kind of glad I did. It was more relaxing than I thought it would be. Weird, huh?

On the way to the beach, though, I got some really bad news from my mom. Nana had taken Papa to the hospital for a CT because he'd been sick and started having double vision. It turned out that he had a mass in his brain, between his eyes. After an MRI, they concluded that it's an aneurysm. He's being taken by ambulance to UAMS in Little Rock to see a surgeon - I'm assuming. With all of the things that I've been worried about, this one just freakin' adds to the pile. I broke down after my trip to the beach, which turned into an emergency phone call to my bestie. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her. 7,000 miles away and she's still calming me down, reminding me who is really  in control. And who knew this was going to happen all along. *sigh* She's the best.

I went to dinner and a movie with Mrs. C, her hubby and his friend. We had such a good time! I was soo glad to hang out with them! We've only known them for 2 months, but I think we've bonded. ;-) Plus, it doesn't hurt that her husband and mind share the same name and really close MOS's. Lol. We ate at Chili's and then went to see Toy Story 3. It was so good! I didn't get to see the end though. Joe called me from a wacky European number, and I jumped up and ran out of that theater! I got to talk to him for 20 minutes. Bless his sweet heart, he bought a phone card so he could call me. His voice is the best sound in the world to me! I'm sure you ladies understand. =) It was a blessed 20 minute conversation. Ever since I got the news about Papa, I'd been dying to talk to him. It was good to know that he's ok...even though I know he's only been on a plane since I last saw him. I'm hoping that I can get through tomorrow without a phone call. I have a feeling it's going to be a while before my next one.

So, after my awesome night, I heard a song on the radio. {Praise the Lord that KLOVE has a station here, even if it's not always clear!} At first, it made me cry. Then it made me remember that no matter what God is always with me. Even when it hurts, even when it sucks, even when I think I just can't take it anymore. He's here. He can handle my burdens, my problems.

"Always" by Building 429

I was standing in the pouring rain one dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold when she caught my eye
Her face was taught and her eyes were filled, and to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph and my heart just stopped inside
She said, “He would’ve been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face”
What was I supposed to say, but

I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
He will be with you always

He was living in a broken world, dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace when I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt when his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears and the anger locked inside
He’s barely holding onto faith
But deliverance is on its way, cause

I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
He will be with you always

Friend, I don’t know where you are and I don’t know where you’ve been
Maybe you’re fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in
But if you’re crying out for mercy, if there’s no hope left at all
If you’ve given everything you’ve got and you’re still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on, cause

I believe always, always
Our savior never fails
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
Always, always, He will be with you always

Doesn't that song just have an awesome message?! I was blown away even though I've heard the song countless times. I love the way God uses music in my life. I love the way God uses people in my life. People like you, who read my blog and pour out love even though you've never met me. My husband may be halfway across the world, but I am blessed. And He's with me through it all. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I'm also planning on starting Faith Deployed by Jocelyn Greene tonight. One more thing to keep me plugged in.

So, this is me...surviving this deployment one day at a time.



JessRaquel said...

Stay strong, the first night they leave is always the worst... I'm still crying myself to sleep honestly and not eating much but I don't feel as lousy as I did the first week. Hang in there!

Chelle said...

I've always been a huge believer that friends help make deployments easier to bear. I will say a pray for you papa that he comes out of this healthier then when he went in and his recovery is quick and smooth.

Amber said...

As always, I'm praying for you and for Joe's safetey!

PS - I blew a kiss to K-ville on my way from Wilmington to Winston on Saturday - just for you!

Anonymous said...

good luck during deployment. they are always hard, luckily it makes it easier having a network of people who understand! stay strong. [btw, very cute blog. love to read]

JG said...

I'm glad you got to have some good girl time yesterday. And that you got to talk to Joe. I've never heard that song, I'll have to look it up. And I'm praying for your Papa.

You're right, God won't take you anywhere you don't want to be. Thanks for being a witness to God's love and gentle mercies. I'm sure there are other women in your company that need to hear that message right now. I don't know how someone would go through this without the Lord.

Paula Kathlyn said...

I remember the first days and weeks. Take every opportunity you can to do things...like when you went to the beach even though you didnt really feel like it, but you still had fun! The worst for me was 5o'clock when Caleb and I were playing outside and I saw everyones husband pull into the driveway, home from work. I missed Seth really bad at those times because I knew that he wasn't going to be pulling into the driveway. Sleeping was a nightmare! I sleep with the TV on every night now so I don't hear all the creaks of the house. I also take melatonin, a natural sleep aid and it works wonderfully!!! I highly recommend you get a bottle today. You can get it in the vitamin section of just about any store. Praying for you! Don't worry, you will get into your own routine sooner than you think. Praying for your grampa too!

{Amanda} said...

Aww, sweetie, you can do it. My husband deployed {for the first time} about 3 weeks ago, & it was definitely the hardest thing that we've been through together. Every time I get worried or upset, I stop right there & say a prayer. God is in control in this crazy world!

Also -- yes to melatonin! And Valerian! They will help you to sleep :)

Thinking of you & keeping all our men & their families in my prayers! ♥

* http://donandamanda.blogspot.com *

Anonymous said...

The first night is always the hardest. I'm glad that you got to spend time with friends to keep your mind off of it and yay for phone calls! Mr. M did the same thing when he was over there and had to constantly buy phone cards to call me. If you stay busy, the day will go by fast and you will hear from him again in no time. Stay strong hun! =)

Dave and Ashley said...

Hang in there! My husband deployed (for the first time) a little over a week ago, and just take each day as it comes. It will get better but you will never miss him any less than you do now! And yes, melatonin melatonin!

Lisa said...

Oh I remember those feelings all too well. Not sleeping or eating much, but grateful for those friends who keep you moving and not let you be alone.

My grandma had a stroke literally a week after P left and ended up passing away before I got there. It's not easy, and it does seem to compound things, but it actually helped some, too, because it helped me keep moving, despite the loss of Grandma and P not being there.

It does get easier, and you get through just like you said, one day at a time. Sending you good thoughts and please feel free to email me if you need to talk!

Jenn said...

Keeping you & Joe in my prayers...

Marie said...

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers through this deployment. The first few days are always the roughest for me and it helped to surround myself with people. Take care!

JessRaquel said...

Gave you an award!

Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

One day at a time is all you can do! I'm so glad you got to hear his voice though. Spending time with other people, kind of outside yourself does wonders eh? Major hugs!