19 January, 2010

Crazy Emotions and an Awesome God

You know, sometimes I really wonder about myself. Last night, I had the weirdest "attack" of emotions ever. It started when I took Joe to recall formation. He always wants me to get out of the car and chat with him and his buddies (and occasionally, their wives/girlfriends). So, this time I gave in. We started walking over toward the multitudes of people when I saw four wives all chatting, laughing, and having a good time...each of them holding children under a year old. This is when the emotions began. Why? I don't know. I swear to you, it seems like everyone around me either has kids or is about to. Not that it's a bad thing, but when you don't have kids...it tends to make you feel out of place. Well, it makes me feel out of place. So, I got upset because not only do we not have kids, we're probably not going to for a while. I really want kids {like asap, but you didn't see that}, but it's just not the best idea right now. I mean, we're about to move to Hawaii where Joe could get deployed a couple months after we get there. A deployment could last up to a year, and having a baby just really doesn't mesh well with that whole...setup. I know this. I do. My heart doesn't seem to though.

Then, we head back home for dinner and I'm like 10 kinds of emotional. Seriously; we got in an argument over what to have for dinner!!!!! Now, I wasn't really hungry, nothing sounded too good, but I knew I needed to eat. I'm hypoglycemic so if I don't eat, it's not pretty. I knew I needed to eat or I'd be sick. So, we literally had a 10-12 minute argument. I ended up crying. Seriously?! What the heck?! Finally, Joe forced a decision and we got Chick Fil A. I was still a little upset about the kid thing.

With some prompting from Melissa, I sat down later that night and popped open the good 'ole Bible. I hadn't read much over the weekend - with church being the exception - and I hadn't really prayed about this sudden desire to have a baby. So, I opened to Isaiah because another friend/mentor/prayer warrior of mine suggested I read it. And, let me tell you, it felt like God was smacking me. In a good way, of course. I think we all need a little bit of that from time to time whether we want to admit it or not. Here's the verses that hit me the hardest:

Isaiah 54:1-8

1Sing, O barren,
You who have not borne!
Break forth into singing, and cry aloud,
You who have not labored with child!
For more are the children of the desolate
Than the children of the married woman,” says the LORD.
2 “ Enlarge the place of your tent,
And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings;
Do not spare;
Lengthen your cords,
And strengthen your stakes.
3 For you shall expand to the right and to the left,
And your descendants will inherit the nations,
And make the desolate cities inhabited.
4 “ Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;
Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame;
For you will forget the shame of your youth,
And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.
5 For your Maker is your husband,
The LORD of hosts is His name;
And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel;
He is called the God of the whole earth.
6 For the LORD has called you
Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,
Like a youthful wife when you were refused,”
Says your God.
7For a mere moment I have forsaken you,
But with great mercies I will gather you.
8 With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment;
But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,”
Says the LORD, your Redeemer.

I felt like God was telling me not to worry about having kids right now. That I won't "be ashamed," but that my "descendants will inherit the nations" and will be many. I may be struggling with that, and other things, right now but it's not something I should concern myself with. I know that God will one day give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4), but I have to become who He wants me to become; I have to seek Him first. This has always been really hard for me. I've always felt that I had to plan my life...and I've been disappointed when those plans didn't work out. It's so irritating because I know that His plan for me is greater than my own. But, dang it, sometimes I just want things to go my way!!!!! So, I think I'm going to be doing a whole lot of praying, because it looks like more of my plans are going down the drain...because they're not His plans for me.

Here's another good passage that correlates to me and my own plans:

Isaiah 55:8

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Oh, and:

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I just need to keep reminding myself of these things....and maybe, just maybe it will all get better. =)

*Random info you don't really need to know*:

My tattoo is getting all scabby and I don't like it! I'm a little afraid that if the whole scab falls off that my tattoo will go with it. I know, it's weird and doesn't really make sense. I just hope it still looks good when the thing does fall off. Oh, and it's itching me to death!!! =P Lol!

1 comment:

Anna said...

I have been there, sister. It is very hard when all of those around you have children and you cannot, by your own choice or otherwise. I struggled with this very thing, and wanting to plan it myself too. I could not understand why God would not allow me to get pregnant, and why I had to suffer so much by watching all of my friends have babies whenever they got the notion. All I can say is that God really does have a plan, and like you have stated, it is always better than our own. It is so much easier to look back after it is over, so I know words can't help, but I am praying for you and hoping that God will grow you through this hardship just as He did for me. Don't worry girl, you are so awesome with kids I know you are destined to have them! :)

Much love and empathy,