Consider it Joy

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, 

whenever you face trials of many kinds, 

because you know that the testing of your 

faith produces perseverance.

~ James 1:2-3

I've tried to write a post similar to this for at least 3 weeks. Each time I start writing and then lose steam on it. Gosh, it's hard for me to talk about. It's hard to put into words how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, unless I'm talking to someone who's been there. It's so hard to explain, these feelings surrounding miscarriage.

It's sad; it's painful; it makes you jealous; it makes you ache; it makes you long for what you lost. It makes you angry - at yourself, your body, women who get - and stay - pregnant so easily, and God. That last one is the hardest to admit, at least for me. Even though it's normal, it still feels wrong to say you're angry at God. 

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm no longer angry about losing our baby, because something could set me off tomorrow and I'd feel it again. That's the thing about grief - it sneaks up on you sometimes. Even the smallest thing could make me feel the pain of loss so much stronger than usual. Then I end up crying out of nowhere... Retreating to the bed or the shower for a short while. Or I distract myself with Charlotte or busywork or reading.

Over the last few weeks, we've had the extreme pleasure of going back to the church we found when we were here a few years ago. The worship and the teaching have been amazing, and I'm beginning to feel a change. Even since the first week we visited, I've felt like a switch has been flipped. I don't even really know how to explain it, which is how I know that it's all God's doing.

I'm slowly starting to give it all over to God. Honestly, it sounds kind of silly to me considering it was all in His hands in the first place, but.... This is really a big step. I'm on my way to acceptance. Accepting that God has a bigger plan, a bigger purpose. Accepting that God is bigger than death - and that Jesus overcame it. Accepting that God gives and takes. Accepting that, while my baby is gone from this earth,  I will be okay. 

In the sermon this Sunday, I took these notes and then sent it to my bestie. Because, dang. If it isn't convicting I don't know what is.

Genuine faith is strengthened by pain. We're not just supposed to endure it. We're to "consider it joy" - to celebrate it, because God will bring purpose from it. It's to bring you closer to Him. You get tools from it {pain} you wouldn't otherwise. 

Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

That verse right there? From Romans? That's the hope I'm choosing to hang on to today. Because without it, what do I have? I have a broken mess of a heart, aching over the loss of my sweet second little baby, who was here for just a moment. I will {and do} still feel pain, but one day this loss will have purpose and something good will come from it.

I believe.

I trust.

But it's still hard.