22 October, 2012

Pausing for Heart Talk

I can't decide if I really want to post this, but I do need to get it out. So here I am. Taking a break from my 31 Days of Breastfeeding series to talk about my "stuff." My family junk that has me so...frustrated, sick to my stomach, and a little bit heart broken.

Source: 123rf.com via Sarah on Pinterest

A while back, Joe's parents offered to get us to NC for Christmas this year. I was more on the cautious, unsure side about doing this. {I mean, hello, flying with an 8/9 month old across and ocean and continent....!} Joe, of course, was over the moon and chomping at the bit. Obviously moms and dads have different opinions on flying/traveling with a baby. Haha. Anyway. One of my concerns was not being able to go see my family. Even though we've done it for the last 4 years, I knew not being able to go this year would impact them. Mainly because of Charlotte. {I'm well aware that I am chopped liver compared to her.} I dreaded telling them we were going because I knew it would not be easy for them to hear or understand.

Once the tickets were bought last week (ish), I couldn't hide it anymore. In fact, hiding the knowledge that we were going to get tickets and go was torture. I almost "spilled the beans" several times on accident. So I called my mom. Actually, before that I typed out everything I wanted to say so that I'd actually say it. I'm notorious for not remembering what I wanted to say during a discussion. It really, really sucks and having a baby did not help that at all. Anyway. What was I saying? Oh yes. The family. I called Mom and told her, while reading my script. It actually went a whole heck of a lot better than I thought it was. She didn't seem to be upset and she definitely didn't react the way I had foreseen. Even though it went better than I thought, I still had reservations. I had this sinking feeling that she wasn't being totally honest with me. 

Then came time to tell my grandparents. Initially Mom said she wanted to tell them. I was only kind of okay with that... Then the next morning, Mom texts me saying she doesn't want to tell them. Papa isn't in great health and she thought it would make him worse. And it would upset Nana. Even though that might be the truth, I wasn't okay with lying to them. Because God knows I'd let it slip in conversation or Mom would and then that would just be bad for all parties involved. So then Mom tells me to take a few days and think and pray about it. (As if a few days is going to make lying the correct solution...or make God tell me lying is the answer. HA!) And before I can tell her my plan of "attack" the next day...I get a text message saying, "I told Nana and Papa. They're upset and hurt. You might want to give them a few days before you call them."

Naturally, I was pissed. I mean, who wouldn't be?! So I told her it wasn't fair that she went ahead and did it because Joe and I had made a different decision. I didn't exactly say it like that, but it was along those lines. Anyway, she never really answered me.

Then Saturday, I called my grandparents to check in, fully expecting to give them an explanation on why we're going to NC and won't be able to see them, even though we really want to. I got something totally different. Apparently, my Mom has drug my 80something grandparents into the drama she and my (step)dad have created. Although Nana did attempt to put it in a somewhat nice manner, I was basically told that:

My mom thinks I don't love her.

They all think that Joe is manipulating me.

Because I say "Joe and I decided ___" I don't have a mind of my own.

I need to stand up to my husband. {Haven't figured out why they think I have a reason/need to.}

I should've stood up for Mom when she was here in June, instead of standing by my husband when I actually agreed with him. {Someone PLEASE tell me how that would've been great for my marriage.}

They're all upset because I don't want to live near them (but in NC) whenever Joe gets out of the Army.

I need to make things right with my parents. {Because they don't have ANYTHING to apologize for.}

Here's the biggest problem: Joe and I decided to move to NC when we got married. Mostly because he wanted to, and partially because I wanted to. I made the decision to live where he wanted to. Plus, I really wanted to get the heck out of my hometown. Like really. And then they pushed and pushed and pushed me, telling me how awful I was for leaving my family and that {sorry} my MIL was manipulating everyone into moving back to NC because that's where her family lives. By the time our wedding day rolled around, {after my (step)dad offered me $2000 to elope and get the F out of his house} I was beyond ready to leave. And the hardest part for them is that I grew to really like Joe's family. One of his sisters (Anna) is one of my closest friends and having her as family is a total bonus. I get along with all of them really well. 

Another problem: they don't agree with or understand our decisions. They don't really try to understand either. What they don't understand, they criticize, beat down and attempt to destroy. This results in them trying to force their advice/opinions on me. My (step)dad actually asked me a few weeks ago if I was going to get a job when we move to GA in the spring. I was completely baffled. I have chosen to be a SAHM because I want to raise my babies. I want to teach them. I want to be here for them. That doesn't change because we PCS. It doesn't change because the job market is potentially better in GA. Nothing changes my desire and my calling from God to stay home with Charlotte, or future babies. His response was that I need to make money - put money into Social Security (please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks that's beyond ridiculous!) and retirement. I'm sorry (actually, I'm not), but I'd much rather be home with my child(ren) and do what God wants me to do rather than put money into something that might not be there in the future. It's called investing in my family.

What hurts me the most is that they just beat me down every chance they get. Everything is my fault. I moved away. I chose to stay away. I choose to stay home with my child(ren). I fell in love with my husband's family. {I guess they want me to hate them?} I like to spend time with my husband's family. So naturally, I don't love my family anymore. I don't understand how they can twist everything into being something I did wrong. How do they not realize that by saying all of these things they're hurting me? I guess I shouldn't be so surprised... Things have been like this for a very long time now. It's hard because they're my parents. They should be able to love and support me even when they don't understand the decisions Joe and I have made for our family. But they don't. Or they won't. At this point, I'm honestly not sure which. It makes me glad that I have the support of Joe's parents and family, but also sad...because that's how it should be. 

Source: via Sarah on Pinterest

If you made it to the end of this post, serious kudos. I wish had something fantastic to giveaway. =P I'm just very upset...and this is my place. My home. My little space where I can come and talk about what really matters to me. And this? This is where my heart is today. Hope you don't mind me sharing all my family drama. 

I'd really, really appreciate your prayers. God's working so much in my heart and life right now. I really think this could be just another one of the enemy's ploys to get me to stray from God and the good things He's doing. Prayers appreciated. Advice welcome. Hugs needed.


Kiki Richardson said...

Aww I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't even imagine how you are dealing with this all on top of taking care of an 8/9 month old. I don't have any words of wisdom except I will definitely keep you in my prayers and hope that this all rights itself.

One thing I've noticed with a lot of people having problems with their in-laws is that once people get married, their parents still expect to be number one when that's not the case at all. You and your mate and the family you've created together are number one.

You can't be married to your husband and your parents, if that makes any sense. So I really hope that you don't blame yourself for how your parents are feeling. I'll pray that they find some understanding. Good luck, mama.

Amanda said...

Family drama is the worst. My family sounds a bit like yours. They think that because my husband and I make decisions together and it isn't always what they want that I am just going with what he wants. The hardest part is feeling like you have to defend yourself and your marriage and your choices when in reality you should get the support with no explanation needed. All I can say is keep your chin up and stay confident in your decisions.

P.s. the job market is awful in ga! So that solves that. ;)

Skinnie Piggie said...

I'm so sorry lady =(
That's just a suck situation all around. I'll be praying.

heather said...

we just went through something like this with my husbands family. right before i had our second child and he deployed. his mom flipped out that we didnt want to fork out 10 grand for a cruise next yr that the whole family is going on. we had already planned a family trip to disney when he returns. we want to have time as a family to be around each other again. she said it was stupid and a waste of money, that her trip was more important and that we should do that. i NICELY explained many times why were decided to do disney. i finally gave up and sent the emails to the hubby and he dealt with it. she said he was rude and disrespectful. hello or course he stood up for me, im his flippin wife. she has never let her boys go since they got married and joined the military. i actually didnt think she would show up for the baby. and she was there a total of maybe an hr. very sad indeed.

try not to get too down about it. i know thats hard but your doing whats right. parents need to realize we are all grown up now and have families of our own and we will do whats best for them.

oh and to kinda top my last story. after i found out that i was having a girl and we decided to name her pyper my mom decided to tell me that it was a ugly name and she hated it. that i didnt know how to pick a good name and that she could do better. then she preceded to tell me a girl name she found "pretty" at least once a week for 3 months.

we all have family drama. you and joe know whats best for yall... stick to your guns :)

Chantal said...

I hate this for you. It just seems like the same thing over and over with them. They are the ones trying to manipulate. It's ridiculous.

Have you thought of maybe taking a "break" from your family for a bit? No communication or anything except maybe a card with a photo or two of the baby? Like for a couple months, so you both can get a breather.

Meghan said...

So sorry to hear this :(

Prayers and hugs for you my friend!

Jane said...

This makes me so sad for you. It's just unfair how you're being treated! I honestly cannot imagine not having my decisions supported by my family. That has got to be so incredibly hard. They are your family, and you don't want to let them down. But, you aren't doing anything wrong! You are being bought a ticket, you are being a SAHM (which I know people will disagree with me but I really do honestly believe is better for a family), you're doing what is right for YOUR familiy, you're standing by your husband. It would be wrong not to do any of those things. Lots of hugs.

Jen said...

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I unfortunately know how this feels and it sucks. I pray that your family comes to their senses and realize that you have a mind of your own and can make your own decisions.

Kim said...

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I've dealt with those same issues as well and was actually surprised that I'm not the only one. Sending good thoughts your way. Hugs. :)

Lou said...

Oh girl...im so sorry.I hate family drama and trust my family has tons. Its so rough, because it is so close to your heart. I hope things cool down and you get to be stress free. Enjoy your trip, and man again sorry!

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear this. I know it can be hard being torn between people you love. Ultimately, though, it is YOUR life and your decisions. Hope things get better!

Jes said...

I'm so sorry to hear this! Sending prayers and love from Japan =}

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Sarah, I've followed you for a long time and I've been reading about this continuing issue with your parents and I feel like you've been doing everything you can to fix things with them. You've held your tongue. You've been accommodating and you've even tried to be understanding. Here's the thing... It's THEIR issues. Maybe your mom has something going on inside her that she's putting off on you or she's upset with herself and is acting this way to get the focus on it. Who knows but either way you didn't cause this. I think the best thing you can do is not contact them for a little while. Tell your grandparents the situation and be done with your parents for right now. They'll realize or even already know that they've messed things up and that their upset about not having control.