16 November, 2011

Drama, Drama, Drama...

What better way to celebrate my 500th post than with a little bit of good 'ole fashioned drama?!

I don't normally air "dirty laundry" on the blog, but this is something I just need to get out for my own mental well-being. And hopefully a few of you will have some good, helpful advice for me too!

As when most people do, once I found out I was pregnant {and told the family} the planning began. Planning for decorations, clothes, and when people are coming to visit. My mom is a paraprofessional at an elementary school and since the baby is coming during the school calendar, it isn't really possible for her to come. As some of you know, teachers don't get vacation days and they only get a few sick days a year. So my parents plan to come in June, after the school year is well over. After learning this, my MIL graciously offered to come right after the baby is born to help out. I was over the moon excited because I know I will be needing some help! I'm no newbie when it comes to babies, but I hear it's a little different when they're your own. ;-) Obviously, I accepted her offer.

I was a bit nervous about telling my mom the news, but I prayed she'd understand. When I told her, the conversation went very well. I know she was a little sad she couldn't make it, but I assured her it'd be fine. I didn't want to be upset when there was nothing I could really do about it anyway. I guess this is one of the things I've learned being a milspouse. There are just some things you can't control and being upset about it doesn't do anyone any good. So, anyway, I thought that was the end of discussion about who was coming when.

Until a couple days ago. Mom texted me asking how long Joe's mom would be here and when his dad would come. I didn't really think much of it {other than that it was a little odd} and told her that my MIL will be here for 2 weeks and my FIL will come for probably a week in there somewhere. I got little response and it didn't cross my mind again. Until yesterday morning. I got the joy of waking up to a text that went something like this:

I'm upset because you said you wanted your MIL to come care for you when the baby's born... Sometimes I feel like you left your family behind when you got married...

There was a bit more to it, but that's the gist of it. I automatically locked my phone and didn't think much about it. Or tried not to. When Joe got back from PT, I showed it to him to see what he thought. Since I wasn't feeling well, he offered to call her and tell her that the way she was feeling wasn't necessarily what was true. Sadly, his conversation with her didn't go so well. I suppose I can understand why, but I think she should know {at least by now} that he knows how I feel and what I think just as well as I do. Anyway, after she talked to him she texted me... Even though I learned later that Joe had said he'd talk to me when he got home and then I'd call her if I was feeling well. That alone irritated me. We talked when he finally got home and I called her because I basically wanted to be done with this issue. It'd been bothering me all day... I was upset and worried and...everything I should not be right now.

So I called. Joe says it went better than his conversation with her, but I'm not so sure. I told her that, no, I did not accept my MIL's offer to come after the baby was born until after I knew that she wouldn't be able to. She apparently doesn't believe this but then said that she wanted me to know that she'd come if I begged asked her to come. That she'd "make it happen" even though it'd be difficult. After going round and round with this for about 5 minutes, I realized that she wanted me to beg her to come. She wants me to be upset that she can't come. Basically? She's making this all about her.

To be honest, I don't really care who comes after Baby gets here. The one person that I'd be very, truly upset if they weren't here is Joe. And he'll be here, so I'm fine. Will it be easier if my mom or MIL were here to help me afterward? Absolutely! But I'm not going to beg anyone to come help me, and I'm certainly not going to put anyone in a difficult financial situation. Nor will I be upset about something I can't control. So, I can't tell her what she wants to hear. I can't validate her... And I honestly don't think it's right for her to put me in that position.

I don't know what to do now. She ended the conversation before I could try to make her really see my point of view. Which, I guess is relatively normal when we have arguments/disagreements. All she wanted out of that conversation was to make me say something and when I didn't do it, she was done. I want to have a good relationship with my mom {and my family}, but I can't be responsible for validating her feelings. I won't apologize for the way I feel.

I didn't even touch on the "I feel like you left your family behind" portion, because that's just blowing all this up. You guys know that when I got married I moved to NC with Joe. I did it because - wait for it - I wanted to. I always wanted to move after I graduated college. Sure, Joe put NC in my brain, but I was okay with it. My family, however, wasn't {and apparently still isn't} okay with me moving. Why? Mainly because that's the central location of Joe's family. Nevermind that we'd have someone close by to help us out if we needed it, they stayed focused on the sole fact that his family would be there.

She says things like this without recognizing the fact that she and Dad have never, ever come to visit us. Not one single time. I'd bet a million dollars {that I obviously don't have} that the only reason they're coming next summer is because of Baby. Yup. I said it. It's Joe's parents that have made an effort to come see us, no matter where we lived. Meanwhile, my parents travel to Vegas every year and don't come to see me. Now you see why I didn't bother bringing that up.

I don't know what to do. I prayed about it all day yesterday and I do feel a certain peace...if only that it's okay for me to feel and think the way I do. I don't know how to make this better. I've always been at odds with my parents over the years, but I thought I was done with all this. I suppose the better part about it now is that I don't live in the same house and I live far enough away to let it be for a while before really needing to hash it all out.

Just say a prayer for me so that I'll be able to figure this all out. I do not need this right now. I should be happy and only thinking about the happy future of my little family. Instead, I have my mom creating issues that shouldn't even be there. And if you have any advice, I'll take it! I'm at a loss.

Oh, and today's the last day to cast your gender vote! My ultrasound is tomorrow! Eeeek! =D


Holly said...

I'm sorry you're having to deal with these issues. I can see why you're upset, and I think your mum is the one blowing it out of proportion. After all, the only reason you accepted your MIL's offer of help was because your own mother was unable, right?
Oh dear. I don't have any useful advice for you I'm sorry, but I hope it blows over eventually. :)

SillyPenguin32711 said...

Your mother reminds me of my own mother. She makes everything about her. Its better to just not do anything in this situation cause usually if you do end up doing what YOU want to do, they will be like 'ohh i was gonna help but you don't obviously want my help, you don't love me anymore blah blah'..if you let them help then they go 'Oh sorry i can't do it now or i can't afford it'. Its just better off if you and Joe did it alone, unfortunately. Sadly, my mother will do the whole 'You left us behind' act when I move with my Fiance..I'm not gonna let her make me feel bad about my choices.

I think [as bad as this will sound], you should forget what your mother says right, maybe say "You know what It's my choice you can help if you want But I'm not going to beg you, Mom. I Love you."

Just FOCUS ON YOU! You come First right now, You got a beautiful little baby growing inside of you and YOU DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW! Good Luck tomorrow!!

Our Little Fam said...

I will be praying for you! I am sorry that happened, your little family is most important/

Emily said...

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this right now, this should be a happy, exciting and joyful time in your life and your mother should be happy for you. I can totally understand how you feel because I am in the same situation with my family in Florida...just minus expecting a baby. Which, BTW I am terrified of because I will have to tell my family and I expect something like what you just typed to happen...ugh. Try and focus on you, your hubs and the baby-this time is all about you NOT your mom. Sure she is going to be a Grandma...but not the Mom here! :) I am sad that your parents never come visit you guys :( Mine said they would never visit if I moved to IN with my husband (his family lives here, too). But they are finally coming for Christmas. It only took me standing my ground telling them we were not going to FL for Christmas and a year in a half!

Amanda said...

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this! Long distant relationships are HARD... whether its a significant other, friend, or a parent! And by no means am I taking your moms side b/c I have no idea of the relationship but just remember she is your mom and maybe its hard for her to see someone else take care of you! It is not rational but I know that I can not imagine anyone else taking care of my babies in a motherly way! It really stinks that they have never come to visit you but will travel other places (our family pulls the same crap) I know that hurts and I am sorry!

It will work itself out and just be honest with her. My mom said pretty much the same thing and I couldn't believe my ears! She really was so mad at me for not moving home (hers) during my hubby's' deployment and my pregnancy that she really didn't even acknowledge my pregnancy!!! There where a lot of tears and some yelling but we worked it out and I ended up telling her that she is ALWAYS welcome in my house!!

I think they forget sometimes that we are not 5 and we can actually do a lot of things without them holding our hands, that they DID a really GREAT job raising us and we are strong women who love our lifestyle but not the part that takes us away...

Ok this is just a big rambling mess, sorry!!! Hope some of my rambles help :)

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

See, when things like this happen, I always get really mean and say the wrong thing. I would have brought up the fact that they go to vegas and haven't been to see you. I would have said, Hey it's not all about YOU.

I say just let it lay and if she calls you then ok. If not well... she'll come around.

SLM said...

Oh my goodness, I wish I knew what to say!! It sounds like your mom is being really immature. It may seem informal but I would write an email with all of my thoughts so I could actually get in everything I want to say. That way she can't cut off your conversation after she has made her point and refuses to hear yours. I would lay it all out, especially the part about how she is making it all about her when it should be about the baby. She's an adult, she should be understanding or at least keeping her insecurities to herself...not piling them on you and making you feel stressed and guilty!!

Elizabeth said...

In my experience the drama gets WAY worse with a baby. It was hard enough with getting married and moving away and *gasp* making our own decisions, but having a baby kind of started the drama all over. I think it's probably good she's not coming right after the baby just because it's a very, very emotional/horomonal time and I just about go crazy dealing with any drama during that time. I've learned over the years just to do what's best for our family and not be guilty about it. It's easier said than done though. God's blessings and I'll pray for you!

Chantal said...

Ugh that's frustrating. My MIL is coming out for after the baby is born (she didn't really give me an option though haha) and my mom is fine with it, but she's always validating why she can't come out. Yes, mom, I know you can't take the vacation time and that it's expensive, blahblah. It's ok!

I hope you guys figure it out. From the sounds of it, your family just does this, huh? Try not to let it bother you.

Sidenote: Once you get married, THAT'S your family.

Becca said...

Jealousy is a nasty thing and it sounds like your mom has a major case of it:( So sorry sweety...I wish I knew what to say to help! My mother and I don't really have the best of relationships either. Luckily she lives back in Tennessee with 5 of her other children and 5 grandchildren and I live in Washington state with my soldier. I sort of get forgotten about:p However, my mom is a lot like yours...Its exhausting sometimes...Definitely keeps you on an emotional rollercoaster and thats the LAST thing you need when your already fighting the baragge of pregnancy hormones!!! Being 5.5 months pregnant myself, I know all about the hormones:) I have to take a lot of deep breaths when dealing with my mom...A lot of days I have to physically CHOOSE not to get on her rollercoaster ride, simply by ignoring her bad behavior...Especially when I am not equipted to help her or make the situation right...I just except that shes upset but I'm not in a position to make it better. Sometimes you have to do that! I do try when I can to make things smooth for our relationship but sometimes they just don't allow it:( Chin up momma...This too shall pass!!!

MrsMcDancer said...

Oh my goodness, while reading this it kept reminding me of my mother. I love her dearly {she is my mother} but sometimes she has a very skewed view on things.

In the end, my only advice to you is to take it all with a grain of salt and don't allow her actions to bother you too much. Mother's have a funny way of showing they care sometimes.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your problems with your mom. I have the exact same issue, except with my MIL. It is so very hard to understand the "everything is about me" attitude. I have been trying for 5 years to see her point of view. I really hope this gets easier for you! Congratulations on the sweet little girl! I love the name!