03 June, 2011

It's Baaaaaaaack!

It meaning baby fever and Murphy. Yes, both in one day. 

First, it was the pregnancy announcements on Facebook. You really just gotta love Facebook sometimes, right? Great for keeping you in touch with people and even better about hitting you in the stomach with feelings. I hate to say it, but this deployment has made me into a jealous - sometimes bitter - woman. I try so hard not to act that way, but the truth is I'm jealous. 

How could I not be, though? Deployment has taken my everything. Everything being my husband, best friend and other half - not to mention even the chance to have a baby. Is it really any wonder that I'm jealous? Jealous of women who have their husbands home and will never have to wonder what a night without them would be like. Jealous of women whose husbands may be out of town...but are sleeping safe and soundly in a cushy hotel room. Jealous of women who have the chance {even if it doesn't happen} to have a baby. Jealous of women who are pregnant. 

My head knows that it's impossible for me to even think about being pregnant right now. Telling my heart that is a different story. My heart doesn't care that there's no way I could get pregnant. It still wants a baby - a pregnancy. My head knows my husband has a job to do in the sandbox and he won't be home until he's home. My heart doesn't understand that. It doesn't understand that he has to work - that he has to be gone to do his job. It wants to spend time with him, to hold him and to tell him I love him in person.

As if all these feelings weren't enough to deal with for one day, Murphy decided it was a good time to play tricks on me. I worked out {hard} hoping that I could shove those feelings aside for a while. You know, work out my anger. I almost succeeded until I went to get in the shower. There was a spider on the floor. Luckily I had the Raid handy, so I sprayed it. No biggie. I opened the shower to turn on the water, and there it was. Another, bigger, spider. It scared me, I panicked and accidentally shoved the shower curtain back so hard that the rod fell down. Scaring me yet again. Once I sprayed that one, I saw another spider on the wall behind the toilet. At this point I screamed and yelled, "Oh my God!!!!" I sprayed that one and all but ran out of the bathroom. Enter tears. Many, many tears. Not only had my heart been attacked, but the rest of me as well. All I could think was "Why isn't my husband here?!?!!" as I cried and leaned my head up against the wall. I tried to call my mom in hopes of regaining control over myself, but she didn't answer. 

Apparently, God wanted me to deal with this on my own and realize that what the Enemy likes to do the most is beat you while you're down. And dang it if he isn't really good at his job. Slowly, I started to dispose of the dead spiders {except for the one I couldn't find} and got in the shower. Of course, every other second I was looking around checking for more spiders. Thankfully, my day got better...but I'm still not fully recovered. I'm still worried about finding spiders in the bathroom {or anywhere else, really} and my heart still really wants a baby...and my husband back. {Though not in that order.} I'm so glad we don't have much longer to go until he comes home. My heart can't take much more separation.


Dana said...

You are not the only one =[
It seems like every other day I look on facebook, and one more of my friends back home is now pregnant. Not to mention, I find out THROUGH FACEBOOK that my brother and his wife are having a baby now. I'm the only one out of my brother and sister that hasnt had a baby yet, and I've been married the longest. Its kinda depressing. I know God will give us a baby when He thinks we're ready, But I, too, cant help but get jealous sometimes. Just know it's not only you. :)

heather said...

Girl your not the only one. I want another baby so bad. I can hardly look at pictures of my 3 year old as a infant without making me so sad, and it makes me want another so bad or when I hear people say they are pregnant or about to have a baby. We all get jealous,I get jealous over these things too. However my husband deploys soon. So he would miss EVERYTHING. I have to keep telling myself that it is not fair to him, or how will i deal with a moody 3 year old who is not potty trained. They help ease it a little.

Just wanted to tell you your not alone and we have all been there, maybe your time is as soon as he gets home. Hang in there, not too much longer.

Lauren Lashlee said...

My parents always have spiders at their house... and I do the same. I absolutely freak out and panic. One trick I have learned is to close the shower drain/sink drain when I am not using them. I think they come up the drain at night. Hopefully this will help!!

Gods timing is perfect- I know it's hard waiting, but his timing is so much better than ours. Try to remember that when you are looking on fbook or feeling down. It always helped me and got me through!

Goodnight moon said...

I am so sorry! I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I know the only answer is for your husband to come home...so you can start making babies together;)

Sending you hugs!!!!

Julie said...

I still remember sitting down on a park bench years ago sobbing because it wasn't time to have a baby yet. It is so hard to wait. Now I struggle with jealously over husbands being home or husbands that call all the time. It can be pretty hard sometimes.

How much longer do you have until he is home?

~The Buzuleciu's~ said...

I know what you mean about the baby fever! We have been trying for 2 years and it seems like everyone is sneezing and getting pregnant these days. Its really frustrating to see someone get pregnant first try within a 2 week timeframe. Hugs girlie and know youre not alone!