24 November, 2010

Holiday Season or Depression Season?

Today's been a pretty rough day. I was doing alright this morning and then all of a sudden, it hit me like a brick.

It's almost Thanksgiving and I'm alone.

I have never, ever, ever spent a Thanksgiving away from family - whether it was my family or Joe's. For 20something years, I spent Thanksgiving with my family. Then I got married and spent the last 2 Thanksgivings with Joe's family in NC. I've conquered holidays without my family. I have not conquered holidays without any family. 

Maybe it's just my crazy girl emotions or maybe I'm just slightly depressed. I don't know. This just sucks, though. I'm going to have lunch/dinner with some friends whose husbands are also gone and I know that will be beneficial. I know I'll be fine. I'd much rather be in OK or NC, though. I've been completely ok with being alone up until now. I don't know why it just hit me today. 

I miss my husband. I know R&R is coming up soon, and that's my saving grace right now. We've spent holidays apart before. Our first Thanksgiving together was after we'd been together for a year and our first Christmas together was after we got married. His family always traveled for both holidays, so we didn't get to spend them together. I can't tell you how ecstatic I was when he stayed with me for Thanksgiving while we were dating. {Although I'm fairly certain the only reason he stayed was because that was his only chance to get alone time with my dad and ask him for my hand. ;-)} So, this isn't the first time we've been separated for the holidays. Just the first time since we've been married. Maybe that's it? 

Only one thing really helped my mood today: the museum. I got put on a new project today, which was a complete blessing. I was so tired of staring at a computer screen. Today, I got to work on cataloging a dental chest from WWII! I did some research online at the museum, because I have zero knowledge of dental tools and all of them need to be listed. What I found out was that in WWII doctors and dentists were each (?) issued chests. In these chests were all the essential tools they'd need in the field. They're pretty big too. In the dental chest (like the one I'm working on) there are about a bazillion items. All kinds of instruments... Any you could probably think of, and a dental chair. Now, this is the 1940s we're talking about here. They didn't make things light back then. In the chest I'm dealing with, there really isn't that much dental material. However, the chair and "foot engine" (don't ask me what that's for) are. As are several other yet-to-be-identified items. I weighed the chest while it was empty... It weighs 93 lbs! 93! And that's not including all the stuff that's in it! Or even all of the things that should have been in it! My research said that each chest could weigh from 103-160 lbs. Can you imagine carrying that?! Amazing. 

It hit me during all the cataloging and researching that I was touching - actually touching - instruments and chests that had been used IN WWII!!! Talk about a historian's dream! I honestly wish this chest had been full of what it originally held. Although it would take forever to catalog, I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy it. Plus, it could have been put in an exhibit. Parts of it still could be, but I'm not sure if the curator will do that or not. It's just amazing to me that I get to be around these sorts of things. I don't deal with these kinds of things daily. Like I said, I spend the better part of my time in front of the computer working with documents in the archives. That's still fun and interesting, but to have something tangible that you can't read and figure out is just so...intriguing and interesting. I may have to go back to college and get some sort of degree or certification to work in a museum. Maybe. We'll see. ;-)

So, score one for the museum today! Unfortunately those lonely/sad feelings crept back after I left the museum. I just haven't been able to get away from them for very long today. I'm sure part of it is because I didn't talk to Joe much today. We talked for about 15 minutes this morning and then nothing this evening. I know, I know. I should be thankful for those 15 minutes of garbled, delayed conversation that are even more muddled because both of us are half asleep. I should be. But, I need more. I need more than, "Hi. Can you hear me? Are you there? Oh, there's a delay. How did you sleep? I hope you have a good day. I love you." Seriously, that's pretty much all we get in. While that's awesome and it assures me that he's, you know, alive it's still not enough. I need my husband; I need to be able to talk to him... Really talk to him. It just sucks. 

I totally get the depression during the holidays now. Being alone completely sucks. How much longer 'til R&R?!


Monica said...

Hang in there. I'm sorry you're alone for this holiday. I'll be thinking of you and praying this time gets easier for you.

ProudArmyWife21 said...

I am sorry that you are alone.. but glad you have others to lean on.. praying for you..
Jus stay strong and focus on positives. :)

Jessica said...

I'm with family, but I feel alone! I hate that you are alone, but I'm glad that you have friends that you can spend Thanksgiving with! If I had the money, I would fly to Hawaii and visit you!

Just Another MilSpouse said...

I know this is a rough Thanksgiving for you; I have trouble with these holidays too. But you know what I've found? As rough as it is to go through them; they make the holidays that we ARE together that much better. Really! Trust me on this. For every down there is an up. As hard as this is, it will be that much better when he is home.

As for the museum, that is SO COOL! I'm so jealous.

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I think the holidays always bring a mixture of emotions for everyone. I'm wishing you nothing but good thoughts and hope that your R&R time is sooner rather than later!!

kelsey lauren said...

that last two years i've been away from caleb i've gotten depressed too. it's hard no to when it's the season where you're supposed to be the happiest. the weather also doesn't help... all you want to do is snuggle up with your second half! i'm sorry you're going through this. set up a nice night with your favorite movies and make yourself a mini-thanksgiving dinner! have a good cry if you need to. hang in there girl!

Mandy said...

I am sorry you are having a rough time right now.

Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

You can do it!!

That is such an incredible experience!

Susan said...

O I want you to know that this mom of a deployed soldier is having big time depression too. I know it has got to be hard as a wife of a soldier! I will keep you in my prayers...will you do the same? Thanks! I do enjoy reading your blog