09 September, 2010

Can't Get it Together

I don't know what in the world is wrong with me, but for the last several weeks I just cannot seem to get it together. Maybe it was just last week. A lot happened last week, and I didn't really blog about much of it. Some of it was complete ridiculousness. Allow me to catch you up:

- Joe's grandpa died and I had to tell him (though I'm pretty sure I mentioned that).
- I lost my freakin' ID card (maybe I mentioned that too).
- My car has been acting up...whenever it feels like it.
- I've been crazy emotional...thank you, aunt flo.
- I got lost meeting Miranda for lunch.
- Had to have a complete stranger park my car for me. (Don't ask.)
- Stayed home all Labor Day weekend because I was terrified that something else would happen if I did leave.
- Had a break down at church Sunday.
- Realized that I really can't do it all and that I need to rely on God.
- Freaked out because of what happened in Iraq yesterday.
- Put a closed package of the 90 minute [microwave] rice in the microwave... It exploded.
- Cried because I was cooking dinner.
- Cried because I just freakin' miss my husband.
- Cried because his internet isn't working tonight and kept disconnecting us.

So, because I can't seem to get it together (maybe it's just deployment brain?), here's a bit of randomness for you. =) You know you love it!

Let's start with Army Wives. =) I started watching it not too long ago... and I'm just about to finish up season 4. I had to download it because I couldn't wait! I borrowed seasons 2 and 3 from a friend here and, well, let's just say I will be more than ready for the next season to start!

***

I think I hate cooking now. It reminds me of Joe and makes me miss him. I enjoy cooking for him way more than I enjoy cooking for just me. It makes me feel...needed, I guess. I mean, what's the point in cooking for ONE person? Really? Now, I can bake cookies for myself, or brownies or something like that but it just seem silly to put so much effort into something that's just for me. 

***

While we're on the food subject, I really need to start working out again. Since we moved, I just haven't had the urge to do it. I think I've done Pilates once. Once. Some days I'm totally ok with myself...and then I try on the things in my closet that I really want to wear and they don't fit. Or I see my belly when I'm bent over... Bleh. I know I'm certainly not huge, but I'm uncomfortable on most days and I really need to fix it. I guess I just haven't found the right motivation. Last summer, I had all the motivation I needed. Joe was in BCT and I was angry. I didn't realize it until way after the fact, but I was angry because he was gone. That anger helped me run my butt off at the gym. 

This time, I'm not so angry. Now I know it's his job and there's really just nothing I can do. I'm also getting to talk to him a bazillion times more than in BCT. Which is a good thing, but it also feeds the complacency. I have really got to get back in the game.... I just need a REALLY good shove in that direction. Anyone wanna be my cross continental workout buddy? 

***

I know I posted about this yesterday, but I really gotta get moving on my projects. Or at least one of them. It's sad, really. And I'm about to be doing a baby [scrap]book for my bestie's little girl. So, I should probably get mine done before I start on something for someone else. 

***

I feel really out of the family loop these days. Not with my family. I talk to my mom just about every day, so she fills me in on all the goings-on. With Joe's family, it's a little different. When I lived in NC, it was better. I was connected. I had a reason to know who's doing what and how everyone is doing. Now? It seems like I'm the only one who can pick up a phone or type out an email. Unless, of course, someone has big news. Not a bad thing - I want to be called for the big news. I'd like to be called with the mundane news too, though. I mean, I'm stuck in the middle of an ocean for crying out loud! I've made some friends, and lots of acquaintances, but I care more about my family back home. Maybe I'm just being a cry-baby about it, but I just wish things were more like they used to be. Heck, they were 10 times better when we were in Georgia! Hawaii might be farther away - by a long shot - but that doesn't mean my phone/email/facebook doesn't work! You know? 

***

I know Joe has a few more years left on his contract with the Army, but for some reason I can't get "settling down" out of my head. There are days when I want to tell him that after his term is up, he needs to get out. Why? You got me. I think those are just my bad days, though. The days where I miss him and I wonder if it's always going to be like this forever. Always gone, always missing things. And what about when we have kids? What's he going to miss? 

And then I think about all the good stuff the Army does for us. Taking us to new places, housing, insurance.... Do we really want to give that up? And if he stays in long enough, there's a good pension and decent benefits afterward. Decisions, decisions.

***

I don't know if this tutoring thing is going to work out after all. No kids yet, and I'm beginning to lose interest. Honestly, I'm fine just volunteering at the museum. I love working with historical documents and I really love the people I "work" with. So, if nothing ever pans out then I'm fine.

***

I found it odd - and helpful - that the iPhone has an app that tracks your cycle. Yeah. I'm not even kidding. Now that I'm off the pill, I'm trying to figure out what my cycles are like. Not like we're going to be "trying" for a while, but I think it's still good information to have. Even if it's just for when the doctor asks when aunt flo last visited. And at the moment, I'm irritated that you can put a little heart for the days you were "intimate." Ha. Yeah, like that's happening anytime in the near future! I was talking to a friend the other day about the no sex for 6 weeks rule post-pregnancy, and she said that it would really suck to have to go that long (she's not a milspouse, obviously) - for her and her hubby. I was like, "6 weeks?! I'd be THRILLED if I knew I was going to have sex in 6 weeks!!" Lol!!! Wow, sorry if that was TMI. It's late and I'm just getting more and more random.

***

I'm sure I could think of more stuff to post, but I'm pretty sure this darn thing is long enough as it is. And if you've stuck around this long, you deserve an award!

9 comments:

ThatArmyWife said...

I've noticed that when I'm not satisfied with my life (deployments are frequently a cause of this) that every little thing seems to loom large. Everything is annoying. Emotions are more extreme. For me, it's usually a sign I need to spend some time reflecting and figure out the source of the discontent and make a plan. I don't always have to fix it, knowing I'm going in the right direction is usually enough.

Jes said...

Sorry you're having a rough time. I'm proud of you for putting your life in God's hands...sometimes it hard to remember to do that, I know! On a happier note, I found out my hubby will be going on TDY to Hawaii frequently and I will be able to go with him and I'll have tons of free time during the day while he's working. Hopefully you and I will be able to meet up soon =)

Honey Bee said...

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me to be your work out buddy!

Also, I hope you feel better soon. I know that the emotional roller coaster of things is often hard, and I go back and forth, too, with wanting to just "settle down" somewhere, and feeling like there's no way we could give up the perks that come with the job. But, speaking as a kid who moved several times during her childhood, I can tell you that it wasn't as scarring as some people think it would be. It just means I am "at home" in more than one place!

Hugs!

Canadianbloggergirl said...

I totally understand that everything gets to you when you're hubby is deployed. I myself had me and my cats and dog. Had to deal with lots while he was away. I threw myself into work and friends (luckily I had a handful that were super supportive). Hang in there!

Nicole said...

Hi! I just wanted to say that I think you are handling your husband being away beautifully! I mean I think I'd be a crazy person if my husband was gone! (he would LOVE to join the military..and was signed up to go to the Marines when we met.. but then marriage and a baby came and so it didnt happen) Anyways! I think in real life we'd be great friends! And I love ur blog! :)

Little Momma said...

I would have to agree with your 1st commenter. Everything has a way of snowballing once a few things go wrong. Those small things aren't a big deal, but together it's just overwhelming. ((Hugs!))

Chantal said...

I chart my cycle from the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It's a great book!!

The Mrs. said...

Hey!

Can you be please contact me at melissa_mcnair AT hotmail.com? I was wondering if you'd like to host a giveaway :)

Thanks,
The Mrs.*

Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

Oh heavens girl we are like twinners. I have zero energy or motivation to do anything and he hasn't even left yet. Hang in there!